Let me get this straight. When the McCaughey septuplets were born in 1997, President Clinton called to congratulate the parents, who were given a free 12-passenger van, Pampers for life, furniture, food and a custom-built house. Last spring, when Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar got pregnant with their 18th child, they announced it on the Today show, and their reality-TV show launched that fall. When Nadya Suleman, 33, gave birth to octuplets on Jan. 26, she got revulsion, ridicule and death threats. A talk-radio host who called her a freak said his listeners were prepared to boycott any company that helped out mother or babies. Jimmy Kimmel declared that "golden retrievers do not have that many kids."
We now have a face and a voice to go with the object of our wrath: Suleman, who bears an ironic passing resemblance to celebrity multimom Angelina Jolie, sat down with NBC's Ann Curry to start to tell her story; the full interviews will air today and Tuesday. Suleman said plenty that will make people squirm even more. But she also exposes how publicly divided and personally judgmental we are about decisions that are, under any normal circumstances, none of our business. (See pictures of the annual Twins' Day festival.)
"All I wanted was children," Suleman told Curry. "That's all I ever wanted in my life."
So what is it about her choices the how, the who and the why that gets people so riled up? Remember that for an instant, there was celebration and wonder at the news of healthy octuplets. But it vanished quickly once we learned that the mother was already the single parent of six, living with her own mother, who had to file for bankruptcy last year. First, she seemed to have violated some unspoken rule we have about fertility treatments, the miracle technologies that nuzzle up against so many ethical lines. We can create embryos in a dish, pick out the best ones, hire surrogates to carry them, freeze and discard the extras, all processes that make at least some people somewhat uncomfortable but that we accept because of our understanding of the deep desire to be a parent a need that for many ranks somewhere with food and sleep, only it lives less in the body than in the soul. Even the pro-life movement hasn't tried to outlaw fertility treatment: anyone who has ever watched someone they care about run the fertility gauntlet thinks twice before getting in the way. (Read "A Brief History of Multiple Births.")
But Suleman was already a mom, six times over. So the first wave of anger was aimed at her doctor, for implanting so many embryos in a woman who was already anything but childless. She says she used the same doctor, but in an interview Sunday with RadarOnline.com, Suleman's mother Angela, a retired teacher, said she and her husband pleaded with Nadya's doctor not to help her get pregnant again so Nadya went and found a new one, who implanted six more embryos (two split and became twins). The California Medical Board is reportly investigating whether there was a "violation of the standard of care."
The next wave of anger hit her, as though she should have been content with her first one or two or three miracle babies rather than going on to mass-manufacture them. Maybe this is why she is vilified for having 14 children, while the Duggars, members of an Evangelical movement called Quiverful that views children as God's special blessing, are celebrated for having 18 the old-fashioned way.
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But Suleman points out another difference: she suggested to Curry that the hostility reflected the fact that she was unmarried and had chosen this unconventional and overwhelming variety of single motherhood. (A male friend is father to all 14; she's hoping that once he's no longer in shock, he'll want to be involved in their lives in some way. Suleman's mother said he wanted to marry her, but she wanted to have children on her own.) Count it as another measure of recessionary stress, but at a time when everything is constricting and contracting and downsizing, her choices don't match the moment. Who will be left paying for the vast expense associated with caring for eight low-birth-weight babies (estimated at more than $1.3 million for delivery and hospitalization) or raising 14 of them? "The truth is, Nadya's not capable of raising 14 children," her mother says.
Suleman rejects the charge that she is reckless or irresponsible to have so many children without the means to support them. She said she has never gone on welfare; once she finishes her education, she told Curry, she'll be able to support her family. "If I was just sitting down watching TV and not being as determined as I am to succeed and provide a better future for my children, I believe that would be considered, to a certain degree, selfish." But the first to make the charge was her mother, who has had to support her. "Nadya promised to help me with the bills, but she never has," she told RadarOnline. "I lost a house because of it, and now I'm struggling to look after her six. We had to put in bunk beds, feed them in shifts, and there's children's clothing piled all over the house."
At the very least, Nadya can leverage our cultural hypocrisy; even as talk-show hosts flay her and bloggers blast her, she has hired a p.r. firm to weigh the offers: "She's the most sought-after mom in the world right now," said one of her publicists, Joann Killeen. Is she crazy to imagine there's a reality-TV show in her future as well? Or that her extravagant approach to mothering could turn out to be a shrewd career move?
Finally, there's the question of her motives, already a matter of much speculation ever since her mother told the Los Angeles Times that she "is not evil, but she is obsessed with children ... obviously, she overdid herself." Suleman told Curry that it was "always a dream of mine to have a large family, a huge family, and I just longed for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up."
What did she lack? "Feeling of self and identity," Suleman said. "I didn't feel as though, when I was a child, I had much control of my environment. I felt powerless ... [My childhood] was pretty dysfunctional, and whose isn't?"
This is the part that makes you sad. People have always had children for all kinds of reasons, natural and noble and selfish and self-deluding, as though our offspring will make us feel better or younger or as if we'll live forever. But if anyone imagines that having children makes you powerful, well, that lasts for a little while maybe, when you're big and they're small and you're the only one with car keys and credit cards. But ultimately, being a parent may be the most humbling thing we ever do. No one ever feels they get it exactly right. And having 14 chances to try is not likely to improve the odds much.
So maybe we can call a truce here and let this woman work out her very challenging circumstances without our vitriol making it any harder. Listening to her and her mother in dueling interviews, working out a lifetime of needs and hopes and hurts, is just another reminder that the decisions we make about parenting are some of the most personal of our lives. These houses are all made of glass, and I'm not sure how many of us could withstand this level of incoming fire.
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